All Praise the Savior of Daylight. Lower His Defenses. Strike!

Happy Thursday, everybody!! It’s been a hell of a week since last time. And when I say that, quite honestly, I don’t really mean it. It’s been fine. My back kinda hurts. But other than that, idk, I’ve just been working, eating a lot of rye chips and cottage cheese, and playing Mario Kart. Oh, and I guess our president is allegedly probably definitely a pedophile.

But not to linger on that. Today, I want to talk a little bit about daylight savings. Readers, you’ll never guess this, but I think it’s annoying. For no reasons other than the things everyone says every year about it, so I am not going to sit here and pretend to have the argument that finally takes it down a peg. I’m just going to complain a little bit, petulantly, I might add, as is my right.

I don’t fuckin want it to be dark when I leave work. It sucks!!! It’s 5 o’clock, don’t make me bring a flashlight to walk my damn dog! I am so, so sleepy already, I do not need this, Time Gods!!

I am hemorrhaging Vitamin D by the day. Will I buy supplements to help with that? Yes, but will I remember to take them? Absolutely not! I will find them 6 months from now in my bedside table and go “ah shit yeah guess I’d have probably been less sad if I remembered those.” I wouldn’t have to worry about it if the dang Time Gods weren’t sending in their little goblins to steal my 2:00 - 3:00 AM hour once a year.

And let’s not forget about that real big bastard, Cold. Just conceptually, cold. The idea of coldness. The feeling of coldness. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Mr. Freeze. I hate it all. It’s about to hurt to be outside for like four months and honestly I cannot believe we keep letting Arnold, and his weaselly little pal, Jack Frost, to do this. We have to do something. Last Winter I hunched in my backyard for 3 weeks and repeatedly punched the snow. It didn’t work. I am out of ideas now, but somebody has to stop them!!

And what better way, than with The Power of Poetry. Here is a poem about daylight savings, seasonal depression, and probably other stuff that I believe may vanquish the goblins, the gods, the Schwarzeneggers, and restore order to the Winter months.

iowa nice at daylight savings 

the moonlight cuts itself against my tree limbs 

and the 6 pm sunset names itself sertraline 

i swallow it whole and vomit the first morning frost

i find kinship with the northern lights

we both exist mostly in screens

schrödingers cat welcomes the world into its box

morning sun has the hue of my energy drinks

the thump in my chest is a cuckoo clock

alarm reminding me to refill my pillow with pins. lay back down. the bird will tell you when the sky comes to harvest your wings